You know, sometimes sex is like such a confusing thing in my life.
Listen, sex seems very complicated and confusing...
...but it's very simple.
The man takes his penis...
...puts it into a woman's vagina...
...he ejaculates...
...and she dies.
She dies?
Oh, no, I was thinking of something else. That's....
[IAN LLOYD'S "BROTHER LOUIE" PLAYING]
Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie
Louie, Louie, Louie, Lou-ah
Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie
Louie, Louie, you're gonna cry
Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie
Louie, Louie, Louie, Lou-ah
Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie
Louie, Louie, you're gonna die
Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I guess I feel like I should go out and get laid...
...but I don't have sex drive, really.
I have-- It's not sex drive.
I have sex "just sit in the car and hope someone gets in."
There's not really-- It's not drive.
[SOFT MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
Hi. I just wanted to say I thought you were really funny.
Thank you, thanks very much.
I was listening to what you said about younger girls, though.
Uh-huh. Well, it's not true, not for all of us.
Oh, yeah, how's that?
Well, I'm really turned on by older guys.
You are? Sure.
How old are you? Twenty-six.
That turns you on, doesn't it? Just the number.
Can I ask you, why do you like older guys?
I don't know. Guys my age just suck.
They all think they're so great.
They have all this annoying energy...
...and they're all pink and smooth like a baby. Ew.
Yeah, I guess I-- But older guys are just relaxed.
I mean, you've given up, which makes you grounded.
Your skin is all loose and a little dry.
And you smell weird.
We smell weird? Totally. Do you mind?
[INHALES]
Mm. Yeah, you smell.
Like what?
I don't know, like...
...dying? It's sexy.
Well, you smell nice too.
Well, yeah, young pussy smells good.
Holy shit.
I know. You've hit the jackpot, right?
Listen, this is the greatest thing that ever happened to me, clearly...
...but I don't know about being in a relationship with a--
Relationship? Ew.
Who said anything about that?
Here you are. Can we go?
Oh, baby. Yeah.
Oh, my God, you're so old.
What? You're so old.
You're so goddamn old.
Yeah, I'm pretty old.
Tell me. Tell me how old you are. I'm 42.
[MOANING]
I'm almost 43.
I was born in 1967.
Oh, God, that's crazy old.
I remember going to movies cost $3.
Oh, shit, yeah.
I remember smoking on airplanes.
Oh, shit, that's so long ago.
I had a vein removed from my leg last year.
Yes, so did my mom. Don't stop.
I voted for Mike Dukakis.
Who the hell is that?
I'm older than any baseball player.
Except Jamie Moyer, I think. He's still playing for the Phillies.
Should I call you, or...?
Nope. That was great, though, thanks.
Okay.
Sex drive has to come from somewhere, and it's not just about sex.
Sex has something behind it. It's weird because we ignore it.
Sex is really trying to get somewhere.
It's trying to have a family.
You don't really wanna know that because we've separated those two things...
...but the entire reason sex exists is to have babies.
That's the only reason it exists at all...
...but we're such a narcissistic species that we've separate-- We made it just--
Because we just wanna, ugh!
Like, we just wanna just:
[GRUNTING]
It's just a weird kind of behavior.
We just want to spray jizz everywhere just for no reason.
[GRUNTING]
Because that urge is the urge to procreate.
A horny teenage boy is thinking, "I want a baby. Oh, yeah.
I want a precious baby of my very own to take care of.
Oh, dude.
Oh, look at her tits.
I want her to feed my little baby with her big tits. Oh, yeah."
That's what that is.
But we make it this separate thing. Animals must think we're idiots.
Animals that watch us have sex must be like:
"They don't know what they're--
He's coming on her tits. He's a moron, this guy."
Whoo-hoo, dooh. Just, whoops.
It just looks stupid to them.
Anyway, I'm a-- Ahem. I'm a father.
I'm a father. Why?
[PEOPLE CLAPPING]
Why?
It's weird, the kind of things people will clap for.
It is interesting.
First of all, right away, any kind of "I got kids."
"There you go."
"I ate them both."
[GROANS]
"Wish I'd had-- Wish I'd waited.
Maybe a premature clap right there with that."
I mean, some parents are okay.
Some parents are douche bags.
[CHATTERING]
Good evening.
Good evening, may I have your attention? Yes.
Thank you, good evening.
As always, we are really grateful for those of you who pitch in here...
...and add your ideas.
Except you never use any of our ideas or really listen.
Jay, I don't think you can say that and be fair.
Look, I am more than happy to look at your ideas.
Blah, blah, blah, blah.
Okay.
Chris is here to talk about some ways we are trying to include...
...more physical activity in the curriculum to deal with this fatigue problem.
I'm sorry, what was that? Sorry?
Oh, it's my first PTA meeting.
WOMAN: Oh, well, thank you, thank you for coming.
Thanks. I was wondering, what is meant by "fatigue problem"?
Yeah, I'm curious about that too.
It's also my first PTA meeting.
I work, hi.
The fatigue problem is what was identified in the first quarter of this school year...
...as being a marked decline in the spirit and interest and energy of the kids here...
...usually around noon or right after lunch.
It's because of the lunch.
They aren't given enough time to eat. No, it's not that.
They're being demoralized. You fill them with academics.
You don't tell them who they are.
For now, we are focusing on the lack of physical activity.
Now, we still don't have a gym because of last year's diarrhea flood.
Excuse me, excuse me. WOMAN: Yes.
My name is Nancy Cartesian.
My son is Never Cartesian.
Oh, Jesus.
He has definitely suffered from the fatigue syndrome.
In my opinion...
...it's because of the competitive nature of this school, of the children--
I've been reading about this Reggio teaching method from Italy.
It's like Montessori, only a bit more creative.
When are they supposed to dance?
It's the academics.
This place is still stuck in the '70s. Who still teaches math anymore?
We've been talking about introducing some competitive sports.
I think our kids just need to be allowed to play more creatively.
You are all way off. This problem's-- Isn't it just--? It's school, right?
So, I mean, school sucks.
Right?
I mean, you do what you can to improve it, but it's not-- It's--
In the end, there's a limit because it's school.
And school sucks.
Remember?
Hey. Hey.
Hey, can I get one of those? Sure.
Thank you.
Yeah, I don't think your "school sucks" initiative...
...is gonna get much support. Mm-hm.
Just saying.
I know. I don't even know why I came.
I guess I just figured you gotta go to one PTA meeting.
Same.
Hey, your son, um-- Serge.
I'm sorry, I don't know anybody's names.
It's all right.
You guys are in my Lily's class.
Yeah, I know. Yeah?
Yeah, Serge talks about Lily all the time. He's in stupid love with her.
I didn't know that.
Listen, Lily hasn't made a lot of friends in the new class...
...and I was wondering if maybe you just wanna do a playdate?
You're not trying to stick your dick up me, are you?
No, I just--
You can drop him off and go do something else.
I just-- Lily's kind of a loner. I wanna get a playdate for her, that's all.
Okay, because nothing goes in here anymore.
I mean, all this shit is shut down for good.
All right, well, I don't think I'll be needing any of that shit for the playdate, so....
So when do you wanna do it?
Are you making a playdate?
Because Never would really like one also.
Oh, no. Mm-mm.
No, we were just-- Nope.
Yeah.
Oh, my God, I feel awful. I don't.
That woman's an asshole.
Have you met Never? That kid is a piece of shit.
Well, he did come out of an asshole.
Sometimes I feel like I just-- I don't have any friends.
And why do you think that is?
I don't know.
Do you think it's because you're fat?
You-- What are you--? You think I'm fat?
I'm asking you if you think you're fat.
No, you asked me if I thought I didn't have friends because I'm fat.
Because...
...you think you're fat.
Hey. Hey. Hey, girls, Serge is here.
I was gonna take you up on your offer of using this time to do something...
...but I couldn't make anything happen. So do you mind if I stay?
Yeah, of course, please, come on in. Okay.
All right, honey. Shoes, take them off. No, he doesn't have to.
Oh, please. He steps in dog poop on purpose.
Do you have wine?
So when did you guys get divorced?
Well, we got separated about two years ago and the divorce took forever.
Is Serge okay with nuts?
Yeah, and his mom really likes wine.
Oh, shit, I'm sorry.
Is this okay? Yes, please.
Okay. Yeah.
I think....
Why don't you peel carrots? I got this. Okay.
Mm. Oh, my God, this is so good.
It's just some rice and beans.
Mm-mm. You don't understand.
I come home from work, I make him macaroni and cheese...
...I eat whatever's left in his bowl while he's in the tub.
I wish Daddy would make macaroni and cheese.
Hey, listen, little girl...
...you should be happy your daddy takes time to make nice food for you.
You should be grateful. What does grateful mean?
She knows what grateful means.
Ooh. Undercut by big sister, I like it.
So where is, uh--?
Serge's dad?
Yeah, sorry. I feel like you shouldn't ask anybody about anybody just to be safe.
You never know. Good rule, definitely.
Well, people are so stupid. They're like, "Where is your wife?"
Like they never heard of divorce or people dying.
And they go, "I'm so sorry."
Like, you didn't say you were so sorry when I was stuck in a shitty marriage.
Well, most divorced people are depressing.
They're lost.
You're doing fine. You're obviously a great dad.
What? How do you know I'm such a great dad?
Just because I'm in the same room with my children, that's it?
Yeah, exactly.
Just by showing up, you're father of the year.
You're here, you're peeling a carrot. You're amazing.
That's kind of offensive to fathers. Well, it should be.
Fathers should be offended all the time. They stink.
Oh, come on.
Look, you're really gonna defend fathers? What was your father like?
Not around.
Dude, take the compliment. You're a great dad.
Thanks.
[KIDS SCREAMING]
Daddy, we're chasing Serge.
That's great, honey.
I know you told me her name but I forgot. What is it?
Doesn't matter.
[LAUGHING]
Oh, my God.
Okay.
What's the worst thought you ever had about your kids?
I don't know, you go first.
[CLEARS THROAT]
All right. Um...
I would never hit Serge, never.
But sometimes, I think about hitting him.
Like, I picture it, like a fantasy.
Come on, that's not so bad.
Well, I mean, I don't think about it when he's being bad...
...or I'm having a hard time with him or anything like that, I just--
I think about it when I'm bored.
Or when I'm bored of being a mom...
...or when he's just boring.
I just think about hitting him right in his stupid little face.
Ha-ha-ha. Oh, my God.
That's awful. I know.
Oh, my God. I know.
Jesus. All right, so, what's yours?
Oh. Uh....
I don't know, I'm drawing a blank.
Come on.
I can't think of anything.
That's not fair. You're a piece of shit. You're gonna make me burn in hell alone?
No, no, no, okay. Uh....
Bad...?
What? Hurry. Okay, okay, okay.
All right, you know what?
I was thinking that on Jane's 18th birthday, right?
That's the day I stop being a dad, of children, officially.
Like, the day I just-- I just become a guy, not Daddy.
I just become just some dude.
I think on that day...
...I might kill myself.
[LAUGHS]
Oh, my God.
Please do it now.
Oh, my God, you're the biggest bummer I ever met.
I hate you.
Oh, I'm having so much fun.
Pamela?
Oh, hey, Serge, your mom is-- She just got tired.
She had too much wine.
Mama. Mama, wake up.
Oh, honey. Okay, we're going now.
Thank you so much. Thanks for everything.
Bye, girls. You're going? All right, well....
Grab your shoes.
All right. Well, bye, thanks for everything.
All right. Okay.
Sure.
Thanks for coming.
LOUIE: I've never gotten laid because of the way I look, in my life.
I know that. I've never gained from my looks at all.
It's never-- It's not like, "Oh, they're going, what am I gonna do now?"
I've never gained any advantage in life. I've never been laid because of how I look.
I've never been a guy who, I just walk in a room and women go, oh, oh.
They drop their microphones and start masturbating...
...their vaginas and anuses at the same time.
I'm not that guy.
There are those guys.
I'm not that guy.
I'm the guy that women see and they go, eh?
I'm like, "I know, but let me just talk to you for a minute."
Then later that night, she's like, "I can't believe I'm having sex with that weird guy."
I'm like, "I know, it's weird, but it does happen. I do this--"
I don't know what kind of position we're in that she's doing this...
...and I'm doing this:
Just-- Kind of just poking her.
And she's like, "Really?"
"Yeah, this is all I like. I don't-- Nothing else works. Sorry."
I can't-- I just can't get organized, you know?
I feel like my whole life is just-- I feel like I'm underwater.
I'm just overwhelmed by everything that I have to do.
Have you ever heard...
...of someone dying...
...and then you got an erection?
What?
No.
No, that never-- That never happened to me.
That happened to me.
[English - US - PSDH]